For the record, I realize the irony of this posting to Facebook but it’s set to do so automatically.
Facebook is perfect for people like me. That is why I deleted it off my phone. All my life I have been nosy. I always wanted to know what other people were doing and saying. I really struggled with gossip, and couldn’t stand not telling someone something I knew and then finding out what they knew. I struggled with this all through grade school and college. I can’t remember when exactly I finally opened myself up to God changing me (because that is the ONLY way I could change!), but at some point (I think around 2007-2009) I finally matured enough to realize what I was doing and overcame my constant need to spill my guts and engage in gossip.
But I am not cured. There is still a battle going on and it’s something I will have to be conscious of my whole life. With God’s help I can overcome, but because I am human, it is still easy for me to succumb to the desires of the flesh.
In addition to gossip, I also struggle with comparing myself to others. The two kind of go hand in hand I think. I’ve always been the quiet, shy one and would just try to blend in but always observing those around me thinking about how I wish I could be like them.
I wish I was thin like her.
I wish my hair looked like that.
I wish he would talk to me like he’s talking to her.
It was constant. And still is. This is why a website like Facebook is great for me! I can anonymously read about what other people are doing at any time. There is no worry about someone realizing I’m watching them. They post it for the world to see so that makes it okay.
But it’s not okay. For me.
I was using it as a way to compare my life to others. To other moms who would post about the crafts or activities they did with their kids and I would think about how I am failing at that. I have a full-time job so I can’t do all of those awesome things during the day like the majority of my friends who are stay-at-home moms. Not a fair comparison, but that doesn’t matter in my mind.
I would look at pictures girls post and admire how cute or stylish they were and think about how fat and ugly I am.
This is not healthy. This is not what God wants. So I decided to take a break.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Facebook is evil. I think it is a great way to keep in touch and connect with people. I used it mainly to post pictures of our family for relatives and friends who were out of state. But most people who use it only post the awesome things that are happening to them so someone like me gets the feeling that everyone else’s lives are great compared to mine when I know that is not reality. But getting my heart to listen to my head has always been a challenge.
So, for now, I am not checking Facebook. This was pretty difficult the first day. I’ll be honest and say I did log on a few hours after I posted that I am taking a break to see if anyone commented. But it’s been 5 days now and I haven’t missed it too much. I will go back eventually, but I need to get to a place where I am ready to see what is going on in other people’s lives and not use that to convince myself my life is not good enough.
My plan is to spend more time with God. I have not been disciplined in that area and really want to do better. I bought a book by Beth Moore that takes you through a 90-day study of David: a man after God’s own heart. That is what I want. I want to be a woman seeking God’s heart and be able to be okay with what He and He alone thinks of me. I want to be obsessed with God instead of what other people are doing. With His help this is possible.